Its been way more than a year. I'm not sure what to say. I'm feeling a little drained of emotion at the moment and a little disorientated. What's bugging me though is the fact that no matter what you do, how you do it, where you do it, people always turn a blind eye. Even if it brings you so much pain and discomfort, humiliation and grief...they turn the other way, and keep going never looking back. What astonishes me is that I do the same thing. I try not to, I remind myself that life is only lived once, and the thrill of the moment, that perfect moment is only lived once. To look back and wonder what could have happened or to relive scenarios of what could have been done, pains me to no end. I just wish that once in this life time someone could to do me what I try and most of the time fail at trying to do to others. I want to know what it is, how it feels, to look from the eyes of the victims without guessing their thoughts, but living their thoughts. If I can't accept aid from my own family though...would it make it any easier for me to accept aid from a complete stranger?

This isn't what's bothering me...it's simply a nagging question. I've noticed every time I find myself in trouble, I always wish for someone out-of-the-blue to help me out. The majority of the time however...I get myself out of my own mess. To ask for help, is a like taking knife in the gut. I'm proud, and being prideful kills my ability to ask, accept, or seek out help. One day, I'm going to have to bite my own tongue however. I'm going to have to face the need to explain my situation and be like, "hey, pal. I need a hand, If you don't mind." At least then I'd have tried.

I'm done writing. I feel over exhausted mentally, and I still have Russian to finish. Go figure.